I finished a sock. Just one, I'm still working on the second one. I haven't worked on the blanket because I don't have the yarn to. I got my driver's license, an amazing feat for a 23 year old.
I've been waiting. Waiting to feel like a grown up, waiting to be ready to take the road skills test (I wasn't but I did it anyway), waiting to feel motivated, waiting for anything to pull me out of where I am. I can't keep waiting.
When I was in the hospital, one of the doctors was reading through my journal and came across a page about all the waiting I was doing there. He suggested that I try to use the waiting time for introspection, for figuring out how to get better.
I can't keep waiting. I have to do more. I have to act like I've grown up. I have to motivate myself. I have to get myself unstuck.
How do I act more grown up? I have to make more money, there's no way around that. 20 hours a week at minimum wage just isn't enough to be able to act like a grown up. Hopefully I will get the Wells Fargo job. If I don't I have to work more at McDonald's until I get another job. I can't stop looking though, I can't give up on getting out of there.
What do grown ups do that I don't? They pay rent; they pay for their own cars and gas; they buy their own food; they act responsibly; they have budgets and actually stick to them; they keep their spaces clean; they exercise; they eat healthy; they know what's important to them.
What do they not do? They don't rely on their parents for the majority of things; they don't deny responsibility for their lives; they don't know where everything is going or how it'll get there; they don't complain in their minds about everything.
How do I get from here to there. Mostly with money it seems. I have to pay for things like an adult. I have to budget with actual intention to follow it. I have to give up all the things that don't bring me joy.
I'm not sure what brings me joy yet, but I know what doesn't and I need to do my best to get rid of them.
I'm going to try to exercise more. Now that I can drive on my own, I've been going to the gym more. I have a schedule of group classes that I think I want to try. I'm going to use next week to try most of them, I don't know how many I will stick to, but I will try.
I need to grow up to feel better, but to do that I need to act like I've already grown up. It doesn't make much sense to me but it worked with the driver's test, so maybe it will work with this too.